Party Girl Finds Her Fire, Agni: Uncovering the Spark Within

Agni-uncovering the spark. This is the beginning. It is not the beginning of my story but it is the beginning of my journey.

Party Girl Finds Her Fire: My Journey

Too much booze, too many packs of camels, too many dinners of Doritos and Red Bull, too many late nights that turned into early mornings, too many I’m sorry’s, too much debt, too many lies and WAY too many broken promises.

My spark, my fire, myself- all seemed lost and now nothing was enough to fill the void. I felt empty and hollow, every day was a struggle like I was rowing a boat with a slow leak.

Sitting on my sofa attempting my next journal entry of the “I’m gonna list”… writing it was a lie, because I knew I wouldn’t do any of these things.

How could I? Who did I think I was? 

I paged through my new Yoga Journal Magazine. Yoga, I went sometimes, when I wasn’t too hungover. An add for Yoga Teacher Training, not a huge add but, it stood out to me. An Immersion Program, hmmm, now that would be one way out of here.  Escape for 30 days, no cell service, finally a little peace to collect my thoughts, and rest, because man I was tired…probably too expensive…and I don’t really have a strong yoga practice. I don’t have the right yoga clothes, and I’m kind of broke. Quit smoking, I mean…I know its bad for me, but now isn’t the right time. A a million excuses came up, and I believed every single one, but something inside me fired up and said just call and see, so I did.

Party Girl Finds Her Fire- A New Kind of High

I booked myself a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Program at Shoshoni Yoga Ashram high in the mountains of Colorado (“Rocky Mountain High, Colorado”!) An easy flight from Scranton Pennsylvania to Denver Colorado. I had my last cigarette at the bus station in Boulder. Hopped on the bus to climb the mountain. Next stop, Nederland where I would be collected by someone from the Ashram who would bring me to Shoshoni.

I sat on my twin size bunk in the women’s dorm looking over the schedule. Meditation daily at 5:30 am! So much for getting some rest. Meditation wasn’t just 5:30am, it was after every yoga class, a Meditation and Yoga Philosophy Class, and every evening after dinner. Oh, and it is required for the training because, it makes up part of the 200 hours. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I can’t Meditate, I tried…one time…I stunk at it.

I had so much resistance to this that I had made a decision to use that time to figure out what I was going to do when I went home. You know, like think about a plan. Home, and all of its problems were (metaphorically speaking of course) packed inside the suitcase I had hauled up the mountain with me. The heaviness inside me felt like a bag of bricks.

Party Girl Finds Her Fire- Resistance and Letting Go

Early mornings, walking in the dark from the temple to breakfast with my class mates. The mornings were cold. We hurried so we could get the good seats near the wood stove and a hot cup of coffee.

Yes! Coffee that’s what I need.

Meditation was rough this morning. I was white knuckling it, clinging on for dear life to my fears, stories, past experiences…you name it I was shoving it back down. ”Let go” they said. I stink at Meditation. “Expansion in your heart chakra”? I don’t think I have one.

Seriously, if one more person tells me how awesome they feel after Meditation I swear I’m going to snap!

Party Girl Finds Her Fire, Agni: Uncovering the Spark

Later that day I was in for another afternoon of torture…I mean Meditation and Yoga Philosophy. The discussion was about Agni. Agni is the transformative fire of yoga. The fire that lives within us all and can never be extinguished. I learned that this fire can help us burn up our karma and attachments which are likened to a bag of rocks that everyone is dragging through life. Occasionally (if we are willing to do the work) we can burn up a couple of the "rocks" and get a little lighter.

Now this is something I can get behind, so...How do you… you know…turn it on?

I asked this question a little teary eyed one day after another failed expedition to the heart chakra. My teacher looked at me, paused for a moment and said “don’t worry, in time even wet wood will light…”

This is the beginning. It is not the beginning of my story but it is the beginning of my journey. This is how I began to find my fire.